Exhausted. Tired. fatigued. Depleted. Empty. However you want to put it, there aren’t any words out there to describe how bone-weary you’ll get by endlessly dwelling on mistakes you can’t rewind and undo. Once it’s done, whatever it is, it’s final. What’s done is forever stamped into history books only your inner child can read and recite if they ever felt the need to…
But, why would you want to go back in time and change what happened, anyway? How can you be certain things change for the better by altering every path leading you to witness light you’ve never seen before?
Because…
We may think we know what we want, like and need just until tragedy strikes and pins us against a corner without an escape. Pain we’re forced to endure regardless of circumstance. Pain meant to be seen as trials and tribulations to overcome in a world where malice is cloaked as a passage to paradise. Pain impelling souls desperate for love to rethink their current motives, deterring from what sapped their heart of glittering joy in the first place…
I don’t know about you, but I thought I wanted so many things. Especially a barrage of one night stands ending in filth I’d be too ashamed to address like every one I’ve had thus far. I thought I wanted pounds of marijuana smoke so that I can get rid of memories involving an ex-girlfriend who laughed and smirked the second she felt she didn’t love me anymore while moving her things out of my bedroom. An ex-girlfriend who was selfish enough to get one last orgasm out of my tongue wet with pulsating anger while denying me of anything, even a tap kiss, after she was done having her fun. An ex-girlfriend who stole my virginity, no questions asked, without me having a say in what I wanted that very moment she hopped on top. But! Turned out what I really wanted was an escape from misery that never went away on most days, even during moments where Her and I were together. A one-way trip to delightful, jovial realities I couldn’t see often while holding her hand.
Hell. I’ve even cried next to her while watching her smile and laugh at whatever she’d be watching right next to me. Maybe I just didn’t make my tears obvious enough…
Nonetheless, personal! I know. But, with smoke still traversing through my lungs, there are so many things I need to start getting off of my chest, mistakes I must admit to myself if I am to truly cut Mary Jane out of my existence. A divorce I’ve been getting ready for, prepared to sacrifice what I must sacrifice in order to be in the arms of God instead…
I just, don’t know where to start. I don’t know what to say at all, whatsoever. Regardless, I believe most of us feel that way. Clueless. Clueless in a life we sort of randomly woke up to. Feels random, but then it doesn’t, right? Knowing we can only move forward no matter how far we run backwards toward, nothingness…
m3l0dicverse 
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