Silly! Silly I was to think I would be able to abruptly jump back into the saddle of diligently writing every single day. Such an act has been impossible for me due to my immediate decision to focus on smoke as soon as I wake up. But, as much as I choose to buy marijuana before even thinking of brushing my teeth, it’s not as if I want to. I just, feel like I have to…
On most days, I feel like I need weed on me at all times in order to feel the least bit of sane possible. A part of me wants to believe as if I have no idea why I do so, but I do deep down inside…
When push comes to shove, I’m my own problem at this point of my life. Instead of chasing dreams I promised myself to, I find myself chasing a dragon within an imagination centering around two things: sex and my ex-girlfriend. After so many years without her association, I’m still direly angry at her. And, regardless of what I do, that anger towards her only made my sexual appetite grow to heights I never thought were possible. All I’ve wanted to do for the past 7 years is smoke some weed and have sex with as many people as possible. But, as fun as that may sound, only God knows how debilitating it is when you yearn to focus on what’s divine rather than your inner darkness syphoning light illuminating the beauties of life…
Sometimes I just, sit down with my notes pulled up while staring at my screen wondering when I’m going to get the balls to start writing again instead of drowning in an endless pool of debauchery and tears too acidic for your loved ones to swim in and wipe off? But, I don’t know. I just can’t help it, falling into thoughts of one night stands that’ll have you tripping right on your ass. Thoughts that center around revenge towards who I once loved above all who came before me, knowing how revenge can easily smite your conscious into oblivion. Slowly transforming your body into a vessel incapable of retaining new thought. Possessing enough strength to envision what boils whatever drop of blood is left following the aftermath of your quest for senseless retribution. Brainless anatomy demons use for study, noting everything that makes us tick…
Nonetheless, change is inevitable once you see the light at the end of a pitch-black tunnel most of find ourselves inside of. It’s a light too bright to ignore, reveal the beautiful field of grass God leaves us to grow our seeds in. And, I think I may have made it out, finally.
After promising poetry for a year straight and failing to do that, I really had to look back at what the real problem is. Weed wasn’t just it, no. It’s been what weed helps me run from: getting over my ex-girlfriend and what she did to me while being accountable for my own lunacy.
As of this moment, I find myself laying down just, glad to be writing this rather than filling my eyes up with fantasies trying to stain dreams I’ve painted on my canvas. Hopefully, I can keep the momentum going. Staying in my journal and maybe bring others on for the ride…
m3l0dicverse 
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