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Spilling One’s Gut 1

Lately, I haven’t been able to sit and write exactly how I’ve wanted to. So, I thought the only to get myself back to where I was once upon a time, I should just express how I’m feeling and what’s been happening.

I know the next cliché phrase or questions you’d hear is, “But, where do I start?” but my gut knows. My heart knows. Every fiber in my being knows where to pinpoint the time my feet became stagnant. And, it’s not just one specific moment. It’s every day I choose to roll up another joint, forgetting about all the progress I have the all my days prior. Just, stuck in the same loop my mind’s been swirling in hysterically for so many reasons. Reasons I rather not keep using as an excuse to ruin my life further than how it’s been.

Pointing fingers at others is something we all can do, but my reasons are more so habits I trick myself to believe are cures to my problems. Like, smoking cannabis. Simple as that. Yet, all my time has been is a cloud of weed smoke I’ve been trapped in for the last ten years of my life.

At first, it was all fun and games ever since my first time lighting a swisher sweet filled with “Lemon Drop” that dropped me on my ass not too long after. All I remember was getting those hits in, laughing my ass off while watching Jackass 2.5 and wondering why my brain felt like it was floating on the Nimbus cloud (DBZ reference). Soon after, I was trying to ride the “highway to heaven” any time I possibly could, only to find out that Hell was burning hot and ready for newcomers at the end of that fat swisher.

Once in a blue moon, every month or so for occasional events. Then, maybe once or twice a week. Later on, a few days out of a week. Every single day! That’s how it always is when it comes to any addiction from what I’ve observed in others and myself. Oh, how disturbing it is to realize how hooked you are after remembering the time you told yourself, “Hm! I could quit anytime I want…It’s just weed!”

But, my question is, what do you do and how do I get rid of her? Mary Jane? Someone I’ve held so close in place of the woman I used to love (and I can’t believe I find myself saying ‘used to’). For me, it’s been a crutch every single day since the day that I lost her. She did what she did, but I royally fucked up in ways I’ll explain later on. So, the only thing (besides alcohol) that’s been able to keep my inner beast at bay was smoking some ganja being that me and her (my ex) smoked together and had fun most of the time.

Crazy thing is, I was able to quit alcohol entirely. Been clean from alcohol for 2 years plus and on going! Yay! But, no matter how much I freaking try, I haven’t been able to put down the joint and keep it there. Even when there’s nothing going wrong, at all, whatsoever, I can’t bear the loneliness and silence at times, so I end up lighting another one. And another one. And, you guessed it. Another one! All while thinking about all of the mistakes I’ve made, especially when it came to the only relationship I’ve ever had only lasting five years (not to mention how we’ve been apart for five years, as well).

“Am I still in love? Do I really love her, still?”

“After all this time!?”

“It can’t be!”

My mind tells me at the beginning and end of every session I pray not to have any longer. Then it becomes,

“My family sucks…”

“If only I was appreciated for the things I have done!”

“I was always there, who the hell was really there for me?!”

So many things twirling in my mind as I go down that downward spiral of insanity, as if the same weed is going to be any different each time I decide to cloud myself further. But, I still fight my hardest to climb up and stay out of an Abyss made by my own depression and heartache. Although I already smoked what I had to, feeling tempted to buy more, I fight to stay seated and write until I’m able to smile, even for a brief moment…

Nonetheless, it’s time to crack my knuckles and get down into the trenches of BS I’ve gotten myself into. I mean, what other choice do I have? Nothing else for me to do as I go through another Christmas, another New Years without a single hint of existence from all the friends I’ve ever opened my heart to along an EX who’s glad I am dead inside of her mind…

Peace & Love ❤

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