All Over The Place

Expressing my feelings is something I forgot how to do throughout these past several lonely years of my life. How can you not when all you’ve known is anger for longer than you can remember?

And it hardly ever gets better as I wrestle with one question. Is it even worth expressing what makes my heart ache in sorrow? Because, no matter what darkness permeates my atmosphere, I’m categorized as a “white” male who shouldn’t be having problems. I’ve been told that if anything, it’s MY fault for ever suffering during what others seem to think of as a meaningless existence…

So, what do I do? Do I just pretend as if I was never heartbroken? Do I just pretend to be wrong about every squabble I was ever a part of? Do I sit and blame myself for ever feeling as if I shouldn’t exist in this plane of reality? Should I punish myself and starve for ever feeling hungry even if I must nourish like all other humans regardless of their image?

Who knows. But, I at least have had God to fall back on. A presence of pure love I have neglected for way too long. In a way, all I feel is thankful for a world that believes I am a punching bag for rocks to be hurled towards. Because, in doing so, they’ve shed my fear of the divine. Never have I believed in God more than I do now, the one relationship that makes me feel whole, full of purpose!

Sure, I may be alone. Yet, no matter how lonely with no one in sight, I’m not at all. Never am I by myself every moment my eyes close in prayer. Never by myself when I fall to my knees and ask for forgiveness over my personal follies. Never, ever will be myself as I’m embraced by the Sun’s warmth as soon as I step outside…