Riptides… Day 4

Twenty days without smoking Mary Jane. What an accomplishment for a man like me who couldn’t stop smoking until a tragedy happened.

But, at this point, I’m just confused. So, so confused as to how I’m supposed to be living my life.

Friends? I would love some. Family? I already have, but I feel like a failure in their eyes.

Yet, I still feel the need to keep going. I still feel the need to correct my wrongs and live a life free of sin regardless of the negative criticism coming my way every single day I pop my face out in public.

Only lord knows the amount of embarrassment I’ve put myself through while always asking myself, “Why shouldn’t I hide my face deep inside of a grave no one would ever come by to place a rose on top of?”

But, like the saying goes, it is what it is. I’m the one who’s made every decision I’ve made. I’m the one who fixed stained sheets on a bed I should’ve replaced a long time ago. I’m the one who continues to ignore the Poetry that used to make my heart sing songs of joy no matter how dark it has gotten. I’m the one at fault for turning my back on myself…

Hard to admit, but truth is truth and there is no excuse for the story I’ve allowed to be written up to this point. Question is, when will I finally get my mind right enough to, write a line constricting that voice in my head telling me to run away?

Exhausted. So exhausted I am from running away. I want to be able to splash into the sea of tears I’ve made and swim back to shore knowing that God is there clearing my path for me to do so.

And…

Maybe this is it. Maybe this entire piece I’m writing this very moment is my attempt to swim back to realities I know I can be happy in. Because, only God knows how depressed I am. How sad and angry I am in this inside no matter what I choose to do. How desperate I’ve been for company from a person who would love to be in my presence rather than chasing who and what doesn’t want me around…

I just hope that I don’t drown. I hope that I can keep my head up high and paddle my arms and legs back to safety without anymore setbacks. Because, what other choice do I have? At the end of the day, I don’t want to die. I don’t want to life a horrid life full of drugs, alcohol and what-ifs. Matter of fact, I refuse to! I refuse to be this shell of the man I once was. A man who wasn’t afraid to stand in front of others, against all odds, showing as much love as humanly possible even when all I wanted to do is cry the day and night away…

I got to ask myself, man. Where is that guy? Where did he go? Why did I fail him? For what? Marijuana? Booze? A temporary fix? For fuck’s sake, Why?

I guess it’s time to just, put my swimming trunks back on and go back into an ocean with riptides that only exist in my mind knowing that I’m the one who turned around and paddled away. Like a coward…

No more…