Lost To The Dagger

What’s it mean when you sit down and,
Can’t utter a single word out nor,
Express how you feel any moment you try to let go?
Of everything.
Everything weighing your mind down into a darkness you’ve promised you’d never fall back into…

Tell me,
What does it?
Because,
A heart can’t keep beating to the echoes of silence while isolated from the human touch in its entirety.
Purpose seems to fade when you lose touch with what’s truly real.
And,
That can only be none other than,
Love…

My question as a lost adolescent went from,
“Does anyone even love me?”
To,
“Why don’t they,
What’s wrong with me!?”
To…
“Why don’t I…
Love me?…”
A dagger still piercing through my walls of curiosity till this day.
And,
All I can ponder of?
A blunder I’ve sugarcoated with false strength,
As if my fall from grace didn’t leave a scratch on my face.
As if suffering was never apart of a fate,
Touched by a light divine in its nature,
Yet,
Only seen in the middle of negative space.
As if,
Death and I never had a date, planned at an eatery with my name on His menu embedded in my own blood…

Yet,
An answer isn’t what I desire.
Control is what I’m in dire need of while I aspire to obtain my freedom!
Freedom from my need for weed and needless other demons manifested in a vice.
Ensnaring my lips from spitting out another rhyme,
Until I burst my own bubble.
But,
As clouded as I’ve been,
I’d rather begin avoiding what’s been causing much trouble.
Lump after lump in a mouth and neck I needed to flow entendres by the double.
A punch lined up with food for thought,
Like teens at a prom in line for another cup,
Chit-chatting till it’s time to unbuckle.
What I need is high-solution,
Instead of being blunt where I shouldn’t be while choosing the dreams I’ve already seen,
As lucid as my chance to rebuttal,
Mary Jane crossing her borderlines of insanity…

Profiled as a fiend without knowing all the heavy details,
Yet,
Not a single person has ever cared to hear my side of the story.
Entertainment in the eyes of everyone I’ve decided wasn’t for me,
So,
I had to show a difference.
A difference in a character marred by their hit-and-misses.
My only question is how?
In a world looking forward to your downfall just to reap the benefits of,
Your tears growing their grass as tall as you allow it get…