I Forgive Me (Prose)

Tricked! I was. At least, It’s how I feel internally. Tricked to believe that I was loved unconditionally by the one who promised to never run away, regardless of our circumstance. So many dark truths coming to light only to find that, I was the “monster” lurking through her shadows of happiness…

“I would’ve stayed with you if you proposed to me!”

She said with overbearing confidence. Yet, I was only left with riddles that had taken me about five precious years to solve. Would she have stayed, really? What would have been the difference if we were engaged? What changes would my image undergo in her eyes if I just got on my knees and asked, “Will you marry me?”

None! I mean, I can’t think of anything. Besides an inkling of security within her mangled heart, the hellish road I’ve had to endure my way through was still burning hot with flames devouring my landscapes. The depression I was suffering from would not have disappeared by falling on one knee. I still would’ve woken up to a group of individuals who exiled my existence from any kind of worth inside of their eyes as dark as the night sky…

But, nowadays, I understand. Our picture gets clearer as my days go by with accountability in mind. Because, as much as she hurt me by killing herself off from this “act” of turbulent love, her absence showed me that my life is not a game to play around with, even by my own palms. All I could think was, “Does anyone even love me…what do I do now that she’s gone along everyone we’ve known?”

Choices seemed slimmed for me to choose from. Not a single one, except for a different kind of “engagement” while alone, free from any anchor that’s been weighing me down for so long. One with a soul I’m deemed to stare into for as long as my heart yearns to keep beating. An engagement with a person I thought was gone, forever and ever, only to find their touch once more as soon as I decided to, face myself again. With love and forgiveness…