Sunnier days have been looming ahead as I sit down and pour out my anxiety on to a notepad (unfortunately digital as I prefer the real thing, but too lazy I am today). I’ve been able to smile more regardless of any tumultuous situation. After trying to speed through life in my past days, knowing when to slow down became a blessing I’m so grateful for. And! My depression doesn’t kick my ass to the point where I refuse to brush my teeth.
But, in the wake of my minty, fresh breath and revitalized outlook I still feel as if I’m an intrusive spec of dirt on an Earth trying to wipe me out of it. Don’t really have a place where I belong other than an open mic you can find all throughout NYC. Haven’t even had a single call coming from anyone within the past 6 years (as lonely as you can be). Not a single message from anyone no matter if it were my birthday, Christmas, New Year’s Day nor Thanksgiving. Obviously, with so many others I’ve met who find absolutely no worth in my existence, who am I to bombard others with my presence at all?
Even though it’s what I really want. Connection. Friendship. Intimacy. A relationship. Just, love in general. A love that’s been so rare for me as I walk by others who hold hands while stepping on each others’ toes with a smile on from cheek to cheek. Mounds of disgust fill my eyes while I walk through the decrepit streets of Broadway where virtually everyone puts up an act to fit into society’s mold of bullshit. How can it not when I’m scrutinized and called a faggot by women for not giving them enough attention? Or, when I’m called a crackhead just for wearing the same clothes? Or! When I’m labeled as “crazy” for not agreeing with what Tell-A-Vision has to say before researching it to death myself? All while forgotten by every single loved one I’ve ever had in my entire life…
Nonetheless, I digress. I have no other choice but to digress! Because complaining about Loneliness that has plagued my life isn’t an answer to the falling tears only I can see. I can either keep hurting myself with another bowl of weed, or, face the world like I used to and rap until the day I day while I follow Jesus Christ with all of my heart and soul. He’s the only reason I can find as to why I’m still on this Planet. The only reason why I haven’t chosen death by my own will. All I know is, If it weren’t for his love, patience, guidance, even if I’m not fully accepted at all, I wouldn’t be able to breathe this very moment. With all the life He’s given me, nowadays I only wonder, “How can I help change somebody else’s life?”
What other reason can I possibly be on Earth for with a smile that scares everyone else away?…
Nothing else I can really say…
m3l0dicverse 
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