The Old Me Again – Freewrite #40

All I can be is grateful for waking up and being given another chance to find myself and be who I truly am, whoever that is. Because, no matter of what I think and do, whoever I’ve become today is a person no one wants to deal with at any level in their lives…

Being this lonely, where others ignore your plea for help, need for love and many other things, what else can I do but get on my knees and pray for the things that I have already? Because, New York City doesn’t make it any easier.

Walking outside into this wretched hell hole we call NYC, all I typically come across are ailing individuals with enough energy to kick you while you’re down by addressing everything they don’t like about you. I cannot count how many times I’ve been called a faggot, bum, loser, “crazy” person and a worthless piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to be happy.

Of course, I’ve had my fair share of episodes where I’ve yelled from the top of my lungs, to myself, about the world and it’s folly. But, with as many tantrums as I’ve had, is that a sole reason to destroy somebody’s sanity with bullshit I do not need to fucking hear?

Just a question I find myself asking way more than I ever should. Nonetheless, I thank everyone who’s thrown the largest dart they could find directly into the middle of my heart. Because, if it wasn’t for the internal pain I’ve felt recently, I wouldn’t be working so hard to be a better person for myself and a family I’m hoping to find as my days go by…

Because, as self-sufficient and hard-working I’ve been, it’s all I really want. A family that accepts me and every flaw that comes with. A family full of unconditional love while uplifting each other when either or is down and out. A feat you will never, ever, ever freaking find in the hearts of relatives who’ve stabbed me in my back for the lowest price they’d pay for. Relatives who strive to undress my face of a smile I’ve been trying to wear in good fashion.

Regardless, when push comes to shove, I’ve needed this extremely difficult isolation from a world made of hurt and disgust. I’ve needed to isolate in order to grow into the man I’ve wanted to become for so long. Patient, strong, self-sufficient and diligent with my personal work. Not only that, I’ve needed to find my old, jolly self again who was faithful, about his word, kind, passionate and most importantly, loving unconditionally. No longer do I want to be this person with facial expressions and a heart full of dejection, angst and resentment toward a world God put me inside of for whatever reason…

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