Had to take a minute to sit down and reflect on my state of mind hoping I can get to know myself a little bit more. Because, as much as I love to write my heart away, my palms itch for some difference. Something to take my eyes away from memories I’m sick of replaying inside of my head. Particularly memories like, that period in my life where others were not afraid to claim me as a friend or part of their family, at least from what I had known…
And, the more I think about those soul-crushing memories, all I can think about besides a pen and pad as my solution is, to go back to my roots and do what made my inner child happy in the first place. Hobbies I once couldn’t live without like a 1 on 1 against myself at the basketball courts in St. Ann’s regardless of the usual havoc going down in the Projects. Or, walking through Crotona Avenue hanging out with whatever friend or cousin I had bumped into first. Even chowing down on grub from the “chicken spot” in Prospect Avenue before heading back home on the Bx17 bus! So many simple things and beautiful, yet rough places I’d do and go to all over the Bronx, NY.
But, difference between then and now is, I wasn’t so reliant on alcohol (formerly) and cannabis (currently). I was more so that sober kid everybody found to be weird because of his blatant interests in finding out the world’s truths and doing more than just party my time away. Nine times out of ten you would’ve found me either researching conspiracies on dial-up internet until my mother slapped me off the computer to use the phone, playing basketball right next to the Cross Bronx Bridge or innocently beaming Kamehameha’s at Majin Buu’s face in Dragon Ball Z Budokai 3. Friends weren’t so abundant in my life, but was blessed to have a handful that cared enough to involve me in few parts of their lives. God, I miss it! Just, being able to live life without a stupid joint fueling the fakest smile I put up in hopes to forget about the smoke I no longer wish to be clouded by…
Addiction has been such a burden on my adult life. Nonetheless, I’m determined to make the switch back to my old self. I remember my ex-girlfriend telling me one night, “You don’t do the goofy faces you used to make anymore,” and it shrouds my spirit in darkness every time. Because, not only was I at my happiest making those goofy faces, I was truly being myself without ever worrying about someone’s opinion or their attempt to shame me. And, my ex-girlfriend just happened to love small things as such. A thing I had done to make her happy and make light of the moment until my family stripped it away with their demands for me to “grow up” and not be a crazy person. There’s no wonder as to why she isn’t here next to me anymore as I struggle to be myself completely…
Only God knows how much I yearn to be my old self and reclaim my peace and happiness. Only God knows, especially with how alone I’ve been…
m3l0dicverse 
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