Suicide Notez

Have you ever had a pain,
In your head,
That doesn’t go away?
For days.
Weeks.
Months at a time while becoming crazed,
Internally?
What is truly hurting me?
The question driving me insane,
Into fits of rage.
Clothed by my anger and the memories I hate…

Can’t remember when I didn’t have them.
Havent had an opportunity to induldge in my passions.
Apparently I’m superman,
With a cape on my back in case you hear the devil in your head,
Begin to laugh and…
Quite truthfully,
I’ve had it!
It’s been exhausting.
There’s a reason why my eyes seem glossy…
It’s not because I’m full of light,
When my mind is drowning in a darkness I have never seen before despite,
How far down the rabbit hole I’ve been in…

Who cares,
Though?
There’s a reason why I’ve been alone while spittin’.
Fully grown with many lessons learned,
Yet,
I’m still here sinnin’!
Who said I was innocent!?
So that I can load a double barrel to their face!
Maybe that way they can see how dark my tunnel is and,
Pray!
They aren’t my prey,
While I search for an escape.
With fire in my eyes,
From this prison…

Of thoughts.
The memories Manhattan and the Bronx wrought into the inner depths of my soul,
Burning underneath a hot pile of rocks while I grow!
Past the concrete I was forced to ever call,
Home…

Every night,
Yea,
I cried…
I cried myself to sleep and only wished that I would die…
How could I not!
The way my heart left my life.
Every line written down?
Flat!
To her heart,
When I would recite…
Along with Mom preaching to the world how my voice makes her lose her mind…
Her answer to the problem?
Going to the kitchen just to grab a knife,
And,
Throw it at our chest so that she can sleep tight…

See,
I’m usually told to follow my heart by outsiders who intend to crush mine.
Who choose not to see my tears flowing from the inside.
Because,
If they did,
They’d see I wouldn’t want to be here tomorrow!
Not able to imagine others praying for my eyes,
To keep from permanently closing in the name of Sorrow…

But,
No matter what!
I’ve stood up.
And keep stepping on a stage I’ve shook up,
With every bit of my passion.
Against a devil I couldn’t stand in this tug of war of forcing me to act on my bad habits!…
So,
I’m screaming,
“Fuck the world!”
All I want is God!…
To rub off on me while I create static,
As I electrify the masses,
From a piece of paper where I lay all of my madness…

Yet,
Im hit with reminders of my family never wanting me around,
As I’m stuck in a circle.
Hurdle,
After hurdle,
Only thinking of a bag of purple,
Even if I know the devil lied when he 5said,
“It’ll never hurt you!”…
Lifting me up,
Just to drop my soul into a hole where he’ll continue to murk you…

But,
With God on your side,
Atonement’s in line,
Regardless of each L I was smoking,
Going off the rails in an island where I lost a bit of hope in,
Humanity as I…
Think of more than 30 mass shootings in a single month.
The vatican raping little boys for 300 years plus.
A country trying to pull a winning card while we get trumped.
And a bunch of minorities playing victim,
Yet,
I can’t make it home without a row of paddy wagons lined up…

Still,
None of that is treated like a tragedy.
We rather make a scene for our vanity.
Committing acts of violence in a country fallen to the grips of insanity.
And all I can think about is how I want to die,
With three kids who wouldn’t want to see me clipped off our family!
Tree…

All I want to do is leave…
Get a new chance to grow again and feel that sigh of relief,
Something I can’t really feel while I sit here and breathe…
Alone,
With some smoke,
Wishing each puff would fade away along with,
Me.
But,
As the saying goes,
You reap what you sew until you’re buried 6 feet deep…

So,
I leave this note incase I’m not here anymore.
Nowadays,
I can’t tell if I won’t drown underneath the beer I pour.
Down to a stomach bleeding anytime I rap my heart out on whatever platform.
After all,
I promised I would die,
Doing what I love as I continue on to write,
Hoping that my nieces and my nephew don’t become anything like,
I…

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