Incase… – Freewrite #49

Incase…

Just in case this is the last opportunity I’ll ever get to flush out a soul dirtied with bad memories I feel forced to remember above all else from the first second of each morning I don’t want to wake.

And, I get it. I’m blessed. To still have my family around. To still have all of my limbs. To still have good enough health where I can’t say I’m dying any time soon. But, My life feels terrible. Not that my life is, but, inside I just feel like the image on my canvas is an image no one would want to look at. The image on my canvas is one I wouldn’t even want anyone to look at for any reason…

Nonetheless, what else can a person like myself say? My family sucks. Besides having a mother who’s willing to threaten my freedom all over disagreements and her undying disdain towards my existence, my siblings aren’t any better with their alcoholism and disloyalty whenever I’m not around. As Mom and everybody else likes to say, I’m the bird at the end of the day (just in Spanish). Pop is in Miami with his new wife with a hope in his sweet ole’ heart to never have to help any of us again for as long as he has left to live on planet Earth. Friends? Forget about it. A guy who’s trying to get completely sober from debauchery while aligning himself with the lord through his repentance isn’t quite the popular catch. I’m more so the person people only keep around if you benefit off of anything I do…

Don’t mind me. I’m just venting after igniting a whole lot of fire causing clouds of smoke choking me out way too often. Sometimes the windows must be open to release all of that musk clogging your nostrils with yesterday’s foul odors. And, fortunately for some, unfortunately for others, this is the only place I could ever let out a roaring cry for help I’ve needed for the past several years. A cry for help I’ve been shouting out for the entire time as it now hurts to speak…

But, dog-eat-dog world, am I right? Good thing God turned me into a Lion, regardless. Haven’t gotten eaten alive yet out of sheer will no matter how many zombies spawn from the shadows of deceit, abhorrence and jealousy. And, with so many demons lurking around for a chance to strike my soul with angst and furry, I have to have something most others don’t have…

My only question is, what is that Thing? What is that Thing I apparently have? Because, whatever it is, it isn’t like I’m able to break off a piece of it and give it away. Whatever it is, it’s inside of me and I’m determined to find it. Nurture. Make sure that no one ever grabs hold with their bloodies hands…