Sweaty Palms

Maybe,
My palms are hesitant to write every single day because,
I fear my true feelings will keep driving others away like they’ve already done.
So,
Each time I sit up trying to encourage myself to write a poem,
I just,
Lay broken.
Soaking my spirit in tears from not doing what my heart truly wants to do.
And that’s just…
Sitting in silence.
With a smile.
Writing whatever comes to mind while I,
Breathe.
And appreciate all the time spent in front of others kind enough to hear my story…

Makes me think,
Am I even worth the time?
Should I even be alive?
Why won’t I just,
Die?
And eliminate the burden of my presence from the life of those already happy without knowing who I am.
Sure,
Sometimes we believe everyone deserves a friend.
But,
Not me.
Otherwise,
Would I be here,
Isolated?
Knowing how much I’ve tried to include myself in many circles…
Circles eventually forming into a noose tightening around my neck for reasons I wish I knew…

____________________________________________________________________________________

For anyone who still reads my poetry, thank you! I appreciate you a lot, especially with how inconsistent I’ve been for the last decade.

But, I honestly live for writing. It’s the only thing I know how to do. it’s what always brought me back from the brink.

So, I decided that I’m going to try to challenge myself and write a poem every day for the next 365 days, post it up here and see where my life goes. Because as riddled as I’ve been because of my addiction to weed and sex, I desire to quit, be sober and help anyone out there that needs the motivation. But, how can I ever really help someone if I don’t let go of the vices keeping me anchored to depression and sorrow?

The next 365 days are going to be a bumpy one, but I can promise you that you’ll see more writing. All I’ve ever wanted to do, really, is to just write, help someone smile and live a quiet life. Nothing in the world seems to make me happier than seeing others happy and that’s what I will get back to. By all means.

God bless <3…