Freewrite #30 – Not A Monster

Can’t stop thinking about what it’s like to be the guy every woman throw themselves at with full force.

A lonely, nerdy dude like me, formerly 300 pounds up until my junior year of college at Queens, isn’t so fun to be when you yearn for someone’s embrace. Sure, all the weight is gone, have long, slick hair (and don’t care!), called handsome by several. But, even with all of this so-called “handsomeness” I apparently possess, talking with other people is harder than calculus on a hot Monday.

Deep down inside, there’s been so much anger coursing through my every corner of my mind. Anger I’ve tried keeping locked inside for so many long and sorrowful years, but, eventually its chains rusted and Anger had broken out over the past couple of weeks. A beast clamping my lips shut if it doesn’t have anything to complain about.

Why? I kept asking. Why?

All I see flashing through my eyes when the Beast is on the loose? Everybody I have ever known to love dispense their thought of my existence into a trash bin kept in the back of their heads. Mocking the fact that I could only be near anyone in good spirit if my heart was strong enough to dream it…

Going back home after my days of work, I end up saying, who would even want to speak to me, regardless? I know I wouldn’t!

No matter how handsome I am, what ever string my smile strikes within someone’s precious heart, it will never matter when wearing any kind of frustration on your shoulders.

But, that’s the part so difficult for myself to grasp. Because, what happens when you yearn for someone’s love so much? Not so much yearn, but, feel like you need it? Makes you ask yourself. Do I actually love, Me? And if I don’t, just. How?…