Slippin’ On Ice

Been a while since I’ve sat down to express my troubled thoughts. A conundrum commenced by a whirlpool of tears I’ve had no answer for. Confusion formed in the pit of Darkness…

But, what can really be seen in the Dark? A place where only candle and flash lights can be seen in bits and pieces flying around your empty Universe? Funny, how you can even see a pair of eye balls floating around, yet can’t see an inkling of life themselves…

Same place my own pupils have been inside of for the past couple of years in my life. Gaining and losing loved ones, one by one. In need of a getaway from a family as toxic as Detroit’s water in which America happily ignores with a treacherous smirk. And, I’ve been dangling on an edge the entire time, without a claque in sight…

But, with God’s grace and mercy, I had found a light at the tip of my pen the more I kept picking it up, splashing ink ontop of crumbled pages lit up by a fist full of memories I’ve tried so hard to fight off no matter how permanent they were made to be. Each period began to appear like light bulbs once broken, glued back together with brand new bolts and screws…

After sitting around, wasting my time waiting for a loved one to lift me back up, each sentence written was the arm I’ve needed to pull myself up from a edge becoming more slippery with each tear drop daring to escape from my eye sockets…

Imagine waking up with a window pane cluttered with empty bottles of 40oz Budweisers and 2 dollar cans of Coors to be able to sleep at night. Filling your lungs with all an excessive amount of weed smoke for the empty void your chest has been carrying. I grew tired of being that one seed that wouldn’t sprout regardless of what I have done to replace the love I was missing…

I needed to love myself more. I mean, how else was I ever going to wake up with a smile on my face? Without anxiety being the first emotion my heart encounters when opening my eyes? Sometimes, we don’t realize that we owe ourselves a bit of temporary selfishness when we find ourselves alone in a concrete desert we call ‘Mericuh (America, haha). And, the one question that continuously formed inside of my mind when dabbled in a drink or two was, “Do I even love myself?”

How can you possibly have your own back when spending your days looking for the next can to keep canning your much needed confrontations on to the next day? Just for the next day to arrive with the same ritual on repeat? So, looking into the mirror for the last two years, all I’ve seen was a modern day beast in the flesh. A beast willing to cripple himself in the name of Sorrow…

But, when I think of movies like Beauty and the Beast, no matter how monstrous we may feel in the inside, love is destined for all of us as long as we seek it and accept it for ourselves. Even if my arms and legs are scar-ridden, bloody, with horns growing out of my skull from a dying innocence, I believed that it would come in the fashion that it needs to. Although I wore my emotions when I shouldn’t have, I am human destined to make mistakes to learn from. A cycle of life brought into existence without a single clue as to how. And, once learned, my world becomes better step by step. No overnight success for a beast raised through the coldest Bronx nights and Bronx highs…

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