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A Train Of Thought

“If she wasn’t a bitch, then she would understand why I’m not around so often,”

Jean said in response to his 4 year old daughter,
In the 4 train,
After asking why they don’t get along in their broken apartment…

“She thinks I’m a fuckin’ bum as if she was born so flawless.”

Sitting across and,
Listening as hard as I can without going off on him,
I removed my earbuds to get a jist of why he was riddled by such negative thoughts and stress…

“Mad ’cause I can’t afford Michael Kors nor Steve Madden!

“But, Papi. Didn’t you just buy a new PS4 to play Madden?”

I rolled my eyes a bit and said to myself,
Is he serious?
Or,
Is he telling jokes?
I was curious!
Because,
How can you buy a $400 system for yourself AND claim that you’re broke?
It had me furious!
To sit and watch a “man” lie to himself in front of his daughter with only one hope.
Her belief in an image he provides only when he’s stationed to play with her!
So,
I listened for a little while longer…

“Yea,
But!
I was planning on buying it for a while and finally had the money.
She asked for a pair of shoes just recently and they’re just too expensive,
Honey!”

“But,
I was with Mommy one time and her shoes weren’t that much…”

“Still,
It’s my hard-earned cash and she doesn’t deserve it!
Since she treats me like a lazy lump.
Maybe she should just appreciate me and what I do,
For once…”

And,
Truthfully,
My judgment towards him died down,
Remembering each night I sat next to my own Ex and cried.
But,
I now get a sliver of a picture with only part of it clear as day.
How a little girl was in the middle of a war between Love & Hate.
May have never had kids myself,
Yet,
Hearing him mask the light Her Mom provides to bask in?
Robbed me of my peace for the moment…

Flashbacks of my own Mom and Dad fighting each other next to a stove as I stood next to my father,
Popped into mind as I screamed internally.
“Why not make your daughter happy rather than involving Her in your immaturity?!
Even if you’re in the right,
It worries me!
How a child is caught in the crossfire like I was,
When all I wanted were my parents to stop fucking hurting me!…
Hurting me by not loving each other…”

But,
Who was I to intervene?
Would I be what I am Today,
If it wasn’t for the synergy of two elements producing a stronger seed?
A seed that grew past what wasn’t concrete love,
Becoming one of the most beautiful trees?
A benevolent,
Amorous product of a volatile coalescence…
Would I be a loving man today,
If it wasn’t for a battle they,
Themselves,
Have made Endless?…

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