“Ah! What a pLandemic this will be, my friends,’
I said to myself the second I caught wind of a lie that would pummel our minds more than our dying bodies. A lie that reminded me of a particular tie I am beyond ecstatic to cut away and disintegrate…
Unfortunately (to some, yet fortunate for myself), I’ve had to throw away any hope of ever reconciling with a brother that chose drugs, deceit and garbage over peace and tranquility. A brother holding grudges against me for reasons I don’t even know why!
Because, before any problems started between us, I would find files he would create making fun of me in any way possible at the time with his friends, including a multitude of others files about me I wasn’t too happy to see. The one file grinding my gears to its maximum velocity above all, though, was of him playing a guitar while mocking me and my girlfriend at the time arguing. I don’t know why, but it was the last straw.
Not only did I have to clean up after his “chem” trails, all the dirt left behind from every drug he’s been ingesting since 14 years old, I’ve had to deal with his childish antics. For crying out loud, the guy began stalking me 24/7, attempting to enter my bedroom while trying to get some sleep to attack me, putting knives in my face multiple times, stapling the word “fagg*t” on my wall including my name spelled with the word “gay” in every way he can think of for me to see when coming back home and much, MUCH MORE.
One thing I can’t ever get out of my mind is how he got so angry at our mother, he squared up in front of her and ended up bruising her shin. He ended up hitting his own mother for reasons I’m not even sure of while still taking advantage of her till this day.
But…
This isn’t even about a dirt-bag so desperate for attention by kissing every ass he encounters while muttering the word “pussy” under his breath anytime he saw me. This is me finally releasing my anger and frustrations through prose and poetry after 7 elongated years I can’t ever get back no matter how often I get on my knees to pray my hardest for a rewind. This is about closure, forgiveness and moving on as far away as possible from a demon who can’t be helped by any one but God at this point in its life…
Because, as much as I want to put the blame on him entirely for my struggles with marijuana addiction, I have to point the finger at myself for reacting in ways I should’ve refrained from in the first place. There were so many days and nights I spent yelling from the top of my lungs when I just couldn’t take the abuse anymore. I spent a plethora of days and nights cursing my family to hell, saying the most disrespectful things I can possibly think of from every ounce of pain and hurt bubbling in my chest for longer than I can remember. Just a bunch of yelling I knew was wrong deep down inside as God begged me to be accountable for my actions…
So, as difficult it has been to fathom a reality without clouds of smoke above my head from some flimsy ganja, it is a challenge I took on being that I have had no other solution presented to me. All I’ve been thinking to myself is, “Am I really going to rot into a ball of sludge on the ground others unconsciously step on with a smile as wide as their darkening void?”
No way. There is no way in hell I’m throwing my life away, acting out of character everywhere I go all because of someone who thought he was tough beating on his own family regardless of his foolishness.
Nonetheless, I digress. This is just the first of many journal entries I have to jot down before my mind goes insane, as I’m already having a tough time choosing to live more than anything…
Side Note
The photo you see above is a picture of the Monster of my life. Just a person literally sleeping in filth while acting as if he has a clean slate as I get sicker. A person I want nothing to do with until the day I die.
m3l0dicverse 
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